What's thoughtfulness got to do, got to do with it.

Today is my birthday.

And it got me thinking...Why do we care so much about significant people in our lives being "thoughtful?"

It isn't usually about the gift, or how expensive it was. What we care about more is usually the effort that people go to. Underneath the gift, the text, the reservation, the QPAC tickets to see your very favourite musical…..we think "oh, they know me." <-- THAT is the important bit to us.

That's why generic gift cards…in my humble opinion…SUCK. That's not understanding. That's obligation.

When someone remembers the specific tea you like. The book genre you devour. The fact that crowded restaurants drain you. Your brain does not register “oh that was a polite gesture.”

It registers, “I am seen.” "They know me". Research tell us it's one of the most important factors in turning around the current loneliness epidemic.

And that matters more than we admit. fMRI research shows that when we feel understood or validated, reward and safety networks in the brain light up. The same neural networks linked to belonging and connection. When we feel ignored or excluded, threat circuits activate. Social pain overlaps with physical pain pathways.

So when someone forgets you, it shrinks you. When someone truly sees you, it amps you up. Thoughtfulness is evidence that someone has been paying attention. That you are not background noise in their world.

To be understood however, is not a given (sorry).

If you want to be understood by someone, YOU must go first. And I don't mean in a serial monologue kind of way.

Our brains are wired for reciprocity. When YOU demonstrate that YOU understand someone, their nervous system relaxes. They are far more motivated to understand you back. Understanding invites understanding. You must seek to understand that person first.

So if you're wondering why your co-worker, your partner, your parent isn't "thoughtful", or "should just know" - maybe its because you haven't sought to understand them lately.

So here is your tiny experiment for today.

In your next conversation, ask at least 3 questions - reeeaaalllyy seek to understand them or their perspective. Then reflect back what they say accurately without judgment.

We don't love thoughtfulness because it is cute. We love it because it proves we matter.

So if you want to be better understood in work and in life - pay attention. Remember the details. Show people you see THEM.

#erradicateloneliness and make someone feel like they matter today. 💜